


The Talk

by magnificentbanes



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: M/M, Sex Talk, embarrassing parents, heart to heart, nothing graphic though it's more silly than anything, that part's not silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-02 00:35:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15785343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnificentbanes/pseuds/magnificentbanes
Summary: Simon's parents come home late one night to find that Simon had had Bram over when no one else was home. They decide then that it's time for a little talk, much to Simon's embarrassment.





	The Talk

**Author's Note:**

> this is born from the fact that i don't believe simon's parents are the type to be like "you can't be alone together! door open" but rather the "let's discuss this and just be safe and mature about it because we trust you" type. so this is that. kind of.

It was Friday night and Simon was laying on the couch, cuddled up next to Bram, watching a Harry Potter marathon (“Gotta size up the competition,” Bram had joked, laughing when Simon threw a pillow at his face). Nora was sleeping over at a friend’s house and his parents were out to dinner with work people, so for the first time Simon and Bram were alone in the Spier house.

If Simon was being honest, he preferred hanging out at his house as opposed to Bram’s because Bram’s mom worked late a lot or was away for the weekend dealing with his trainwreck of an aunt, so his house was usually empty. And that terrified Simon.

They hadn’t done more than kiss and Simon would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about doing more than kissing, but thinking about those things late at night when he was alone in his bed is vastly different than, you know, actual doing them.

“Si, you okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

Bram lifted his head from where it was resting on Simon’s chest. “It’s just that your heart sped up the way it does when you get anxious so I wanted to make sure everything was good.”

“Yep, everything’s perfect.” Simon didn’t like lying to Bram, and he doubted that Bram even believed him, but he also wasn’t exactly ready to have the sex talk.

His parents apparently had other ideas.

They came home around 10:30, just as Goblet of Fire was ending and Bram was getting ready to head. His aunt (not the trainwreck one in Orlando) was coming to visit in the morning and Bram’s mom didn’t want him out too late.

“Oh, Bram!” Emily said, shocked. “We didn’t know you would be over.” Simon swore she shot him a look when she said that, but he just shrugged. It was better to ask for forgiveness than for permission.

“He was just leaving.”

“Actually,” Jack said and Simon didn’t like the tone of his voice, “we need to have a talk with the two of you. I think it’s long overdue.”

Simon’s eyes narrowed. “What kind of talk?”

“You boys have been dating for a while and-”

Simon cut his mother off with a swift shake of his head. “Nope, no, no way. I’m not having a sex talk with my parents and my boyfriend. Come on, Bram, I’ll walk you out.” He stood and pulled Bram up with him and they were halfway across the living room when his mother called out to him.

“Simon Irvin Spier, stop right there!” Simon sighed and turned around, making sure his parents saw the way he rolled his eyes. “Get back over here. Both of you.” He knew that when she pulled out the middle name, she meant business, so he dragged Bram back over the couch and flopped down onto it. “Okay, so. We just want to make sure you’re being safe.”

“Mom!” One sentence in and Simon was already mortified. He honestly wouldn’t put it past his mother to give him, like, a box of condoms or something.

“What? Safe sex is important, Simon, and I know schools don’t prepare kids for anything other than heterosexual sex and I just want to make sure you boys are informed.”

“I know all about condoms, if that’s what you’re saying. I’m not a complete idiot.” Next to him, Bram was shaking with silent laugher and Simon punched him in the thigh. How dare he find the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to Simon funny.

“It’s more than that. I did some research on the Internet and-”

Sensing where this was going, Simon’s eyes went wide. “Mom, no. I’m not talking to you about... _ that _ . Not gonna happen. Besides, I-” He cut himself off, realizing almost too late that that was not information he wanted to share with his mother.

“You what?”

Simon opened and closed his mouth a few times, but no sound came out. Eventually, he gave up and put his head in his hands. “Jesus, Em,” he heard his dad say. “No boy wants to admit to his mother that he watches porn.” Simon was thankful that his face was hidden as his cheeks flamed up.

Beside him, Bram had started to laugh again.

“Oh. Well, okay, then.”

“Are we done?” His voice was muffled by his hands but his parents understood and agreed that they were done. Simon grabbed Bram’s hand and practically dragged him outside. Once the front door was closed, Bram started laughing so hard, his entire body was shaking. Simon punched him in the shoulder. “It’s not funny!”

“It’s very funny.”

“No, it’s mortifying.”

“Actually, I think it’s kind of sweet. That your parents care so much, that is.” Simon felt guilt wash over him. He knew that Bram’s parents loved him, but he also knew that Bram wished that they were around more.

“Bram, I’m sorry.”

Bram waved him off. “Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.” Then, after staring at Simon with a gaze so intense that Simon started to squirm under it, he said, “Are you okay?”

“Well, I mean, my parents just embarrassed me into the next century.”

“No,” Bram said with a shake of his head. “It’s more than that, Si. What’s on your mind?”

Simon sat down on the front steps and tried to compose his thoughts into something that would make sense. When Bram sat down next to him and put a gentle hand on his knee, Simon took a deep breath and said, “I don’t know. I just. I don’t want to say I’m scared of sex, but. I kinda am?” Scared wasn’t the right word at all, but he didn’t know how to explain what he was feeling any other way.

“Scared? Why?”

Simon shook his head, hoping that would loosen some better words. “Scared isn’t right. Nervous, maybe? I don’t know. I guess maybe I’m just hyping sex up to be something that it’s not. From everything Nick’s told me, the first time is underwhelming. So I guess maybe I don’t want it to be like that for me?” He knew he was rambling, but he also knew Bram thought it was cute when he rambled.

“If you’re not ready to have sex yet, that’s fine. No one, least of all me, is going to pressure you into having sex if that’s not what you want right now. And can I tell you a secret?” Simon nodded. “I’m nervous about it, too.”

“You are?”

“Yeah. It’s like. I love you so much and being with you is so special and I don’t want to, like, do anything to ruin that.”

Simon rested his head on Bram’s shoulder. “You could never do anything to ruin it.”

“You sure?”

“Absolutely.” Simon couldn’t see him but he knew Bram was smiling. “But, just so you know, I’m not losing my virginity on prom night, so don’t go getting your hopes up.”

“Hopes are down.”

They were quiet and it was the kind of quiet that fell over you like a warm blanket, like a comfort, until Simon said, “Is having sex after the graduation party your parents are gonna throw you a cliche?”

Bram laughed. “I don’t think it is.”

“Okay, good.” Then, “I love you. With or without sex.”

“I love you with or without sex, too.”

Simon knew this wasn’t the last conversation they would have on the topic (nor would it be the last time his mother brought it up, either) but for right now, sitting on his front steps with the boy he loved more than anything, staring out at a dark street and a quiet night, Simon felt like everything was falling into place.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on tumblr: bramloiusgreenfeld!


End file.
